tales from the tube

Around the time of the London bombings my dad sent me an SMS that read: All OK here + Try to avoid tube + take Care dad. Obviously this was a thoughtful message but I may as well have written back: glad yr well + have a nice drive to work + try to avoid all roads. Because the reality of the situation is that unless you are planning on not leaving the house much, the tube will be your primary means of transportation in London. With that being the case, here are some observations garnered from many journeys.

1. Escalator etiquette: If you wish to stand and merely enjoy the escalator ride, stand to the right – that way people in a rush are free to walk up on the left. So, if you wish to walk up, walk up on the left – unless of course the right is free, in which case you should walk up on the right, leaving the left free for people who may wish to run up on the left.

2. Carriage as Tardis: The train car arrives. To say it is packed would be an understatement – canned sardines enjoy roomier surrounds. You survey the situation. You think, I’m kinda small, maybe I could somehow manage to squeeze myself in. You take the challenge. You take a deep breathe. Somehow, someway you cram yourself in. You are standing closer to strangers than you would ever wish to stand. The train pulls into the next stop. A platform of people look in expectantly. They look envious, for you are one of the lucky ones – one of the ‘already on the train people’. Sorry folks, you think, no way you are getting on this carriage. Two people exit the carriage. Fully fifteen more people get on.

3. Managing expectations. In Melbourne trains depart about every twenty minutes and the feeling of just missing one is quite a disappointment – you know that you have a bit of a wait ahead. You can imagine what a joy it is to come to place where wait times are regularly only 1 to 3 minutes. How great is that! you say. How marvellous! What a city! But soon, the joy wears off – it becomes a mere expectation. The other day I was on the platform for 5, maybe 6 minutes. I was getting tense – I couldn’t understand what was going on – when would the train arrive? I couldn’t take the suspense anymore. I went to the stationmaster – Is something wrong? I asked. Is the whole line down or something? Every 10 minutes for that line, he said. What?! Ten minutes! Good grief – what a disgrace!

4. Occasionally you will see tourists taking photos of themselves or each other on the tube. They seem so excited to be in London, they just have to capture this unique London moment. Look-ey here ma, I’m on the London tube train! they seem to be saying with their happy snap smiles. You will laugh derisively and shake your head into your copy of Metro. Dumb tourists, you will think.

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In The News: Kate Moss In Cocaine Snorting Shock!

I’m sorry, but did anyone actually think that Kate Moss wasn’t on drugs? This was front-page news here all last week – which lucrative contract will Kate lose today? In my opinion – and everyone has one on this topic – Kate’s job is to look gorgeous – a job she does spectacularly well. I would boycott the companies that have dumped her just on principal. Unfortunately I can either not afford their stuff anyway (Chanel, Burberry) or they sell some of the few things that I actually can afford (Rimmel, H&M), therefore I can’t afford not to buy from them.

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And in other news: “Twiggy: Fat Folk Have No Excuse” - such helpful words from the swinging sixties super-skinny freak of nature.