it may be cold, but at least it's purdy

The Vegemite Tales

The other Saturday we caught the matinee session of The Vegemite Tales, a play written in 2001 by an Australian living in London. It’s currently winding up its season on the West End, with the current production starring Blair from Big Brother and the guy who played Tad - brother of Toad - on Neighbours.

The play aims to represent the ‘typical Aussies living in London experience’, with a share house comprised of: father figure Sam whose been in London for seven and a half years (although based on the actor playing the role, I couldn’t help but wonder, ‘ok, but are you supposed to look like you arrived when you were over 35?’); Dan (hot - yes played by Blair- but shallow guy who tries to become less shallow to get ‘the girl’); Ed (dosser who sleeps on a surfboard in the living room and always wears thongs - even with a suit); Jane (hot but from Melbourne, so obviously stuck up and called a bitch a lot); Gemma (who I can only describe as the ‘oh my God I have to get an abortion to inject this play with some gritty realism’ girl); and Gio, ‘the Italian guy’ A.K.A token ethnic bi-sexual character whose misuse of the English language is the cause of much merriment amongst the rest of the house. Maddie is ‘the girl’/love interest who lives around the corner.

I can not deny that the play was very funny - a laugh a minute type funny. But there is also no question that what is being laughed at (what we are laughing along with) are cringing, embarrassing moments, toilet jokes and the Australian traits of racism, homophobia and chauvinism.

The Italian character Gio is like something out of a sitcom from the 1970s (I think his opening line was ‘shuduppa ya face’). They accept that fact that he is bi (well, he is one of them hot-blooded Italian Lothario types, so what can you expect?), but anything other than 100% ‘masculinity’ from the Aussie guys is the cause of ridicule.

A big problem I had (along with the acting, which involved way too much shouting - although Tad from Neighbours was good and kept his shouting pretty much to context - and referencing of other better known characters: Gio channelling Borat and Jane occasionally slipping into some Pru and Tru from Kath and Kim) was the imbalance of tone: shifting between ‘anything for a laugh’ and ‘hey guys, this is serious’.

Probably the worst bit was following the crisis scene where Gemma breaks down and admits to her abortion (a dramatic scene including more shouting and concluding with crying on the floor - some people in the audience giggled at this bit and I felt bad for the actress) which leads to Dan missing his date with ‘the girl’ and the end of their budding relationship.

The next scene sees Ed call an emergency house meeting to discuss a big problem: the fact that Gemma is still having a hard time dealing with her abortion? No - this is never mentioned again. The fact that buddy Dan has been acting ‘like a pansy’ since breaking up with ‘the girl’. Pansy = not getting drunk every night, not playing footy, doing yoga and - gasp! - writing poetry. Its visualised by Dan appearing in an ‘Annie: the musical’ sleeveless t-shirt, leggings under short-shorts and a headband.

The subsequent intervention involves luring him back to masculinity with a copy of Maxim magazine and yes, the boobs win the day.

Although I think it’s fantastic that a young woman wrote this play and found great success with it, I also think it’s somewhat disappointing that this is the play a young woman would write. The boys get the vast majority of the funny lines and are all way more developed. The girls are largely token characters: either representing object of desire, love interest or crisis. Jane is accepted as a housemate because she is gorgeous and Dan thinks he can sleep with her. When she doesn’t, and wants the house to be neat, they hate her guts - this is pretty much her entire character.

What I was expecting from this play, and I what I think could have worked better, was a total send up of the ex-pat experience. A cursory glance through TNT magazine provides a wealth of material: Snakebites at the Walkabout, Contiki tours (Hogmanay, Gallipoli, Running of the Bulls, La Tomatina, Oktoberfest), the Quicksilver uniform, rock gigs, complaints about money, public transport and the weather.

As for love and drama, look no further than the ‘Desperately Seeking’ back page column.

Houseshare sentimentality:

‘Farewell Tammy: You’ll be dearly missed by the 440 crew. We don’t know what we’ll do without our Mum. Thank you for being such a great housemate and friend. We all wish you the very best back in BrisVegas. Lots of love, Jason, Kristy, Nathan, Amanda and Fluffy.’

Love from afar:
‘The girl in the bunny suit at The Church wants the guy in the silver lycra body suit, who randomly kissed her at the Shu Bu Walkie on Sunday, October 21 to get in touch. I want more kisses! Email me on cassieadriaansz@ hotmail.com’

And true, true love:
‘My lovely George: Happy six month anniversary! I never thought we’d last this long but whatever we’re doing it seems to be working, so let’s keep doing it :). I love you and look forward to spending Christmas with your family in NZ. Love always, Laura.’

Now that’s reality.

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And speaking of TNT magazine, who featured in last Monday’s issue? Well, none other than Miss Hill, watching the rugby at the Clapham Grand. What a good Aussie!

All images (although not the one of Michelle obviously; that's from TNT mag) from The Vegemite Tales website